roqueofspades

I need to do more writing and recently actually re-acquired the motivation to do writing exercises. If you have any inspiration, or ideas for writing exercises, or even for poems or short stories, let me know! If you want, I may post them.

I have recently been diagnosed with anxiety and found out that I have been having panic attacks all year during school. Here is a sampling of my writing, a poem I wrote about anxiety/low self-esteem entitled The Kitten and the Bother.


The kitten and the Bother
Walk down the street at noon
The kitten has no father
The bother came too soon

The latter tilts his head
And says with hearty laughter
"Why, if you were dead
They'd all be better after!"

The kitten starts to mew
In an alleyway at noon
Noticed by indifferent few
She wilts in the heat of June

She does not notice when
Two hands take her, hold her tight
They hide from the world of men
And sleep peacefully through the night

but fuck the police

Anyway, I haven't submitted anything in like years ;n; I have actually been drawing, I'm just so lazy, too lazy to put shit up. I guess I'll choose something to post.

I've had a rough few months, but it would be a lot worse if I had no one to rely on. IT'S A GOOD THING I HAVE MY DOG. and my boyfriend too i guess idk he's just alright

because, you know, I haven't updated in eight goddamn months, in which time lots of things happened.
#1, I'm taking a metric fuckton (AKA two) AP classes and too many honors classes and have way way way too much fucking homework and shit and I don't like it, I STILL haven't gotten a chance to try out my new drawing program that my sister bought me
#2 let's just say I had a lousy summer and leave it at that because I don't want to elaborate
#3 I have a lot of homework I should be doing right now
#4 I managed to get a social life, if Star Wars D&D counts as a social life. and I'm dating the dungeon master. which is pretty cool I guess

so no, I'm not dead, just spending much less time online now. (boyfriends apparently take a lot of time? who knew right?) I do wish I had more time to draw and write but I have so little free time now it's devoted to gaming basically because that helps me unwind more than actually doing constructive stuff.

Which, for the past few days, has been a rather poor excuse for interesting!

Soooo it might be a good idea to come out here, now, on DeviantArt. A week ago I discovered that I am attracted to teh ladehs as well as men. And I don't really care much if he or she or other pronoun identifies with whatever of the many genders that there are-- that puts me at pansexual. Although, if we wanna get really technical, I already identified as a greysexual, meaning that I very, very rarely experience any sort of attraction at all. Basically, here's how it works. When I am presented with the idea of sex, except in the case of very few people, my response will be "mmkay sure" and when asked about gender I'll be like "whatevs"

My sister is moving in with her fiance on Sunday. This is.... bittersweet, because I get along really well with her, and obviously she's my sister and I love her, and I won't be seeing her fiance much (who I pretty much refer to as my brother). Originally they had planned to have me over sometimes for weekends-- they're moving to an apartment within an hour's drive-- but since they are not married my mother has forbid me to visit while my sister's fiance is around. I am so fucking incensed. This basically means that I won't be seeing much of my brother almost at all because of my mother's ridiculous need to shove her 'values' down my throat. What the fuck does she think she's doing, protecting me from my sister's evil? "Oh my god how dare you move in with your fiance when it's clearly the most emotionally and financially smart decision, and also you've been dating three and a half years, but you don't have a stupid fucking certificate so fuck you, your little sister won't be corrupted by your witchcraft." Fucking. HONESTLY.
In protesting against this fucking ridiculous situation, I ended up causing my mother to lose her shit and scream at me that she feels like I'm constantly judging her for her values. FUCKING NO. YOU'RE THE ONE DOING THE FUCKING JUDGING HERE. AND THEN FORCING YOUR JUDGMENTAL BULLSHIT ON ME. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I HAVE EDUCATED MYSELF ABOUT MORALITY BETTER THAN YOU EVER HAD THE HOPE OF DOING. Oh, I might like to add that she was fucking sobbing because apparently my heathenism has upset her to the point where she thinks she's failed as a parent.
Being brought up in a 'traditional' Catholic household has done nothing to help my inherent anger issues.
God, no. I'm just so fucking sick of it. I know I sound like a stupid teenager, but you know what? This is only a little sample of the bullshit that I put up with.
I mean, I could go on for pages, but I feel like no one actually wants to read that. I sorta want to get it out, though. I feel like I need to rant, maybe that'll make me feel a bit better.

Part of me wants to get off of Tumblr, because it is doing absolutely nothing for my dirt-poor self-esteem, because nobody on Tumblr fucking likes me and I don't know how to get people to like me.

I mean, that's not the only stuff I have to rant about, but like I said, no one wants to hear my bullshit.

A bunch of random thoughts from the past few days.

I hate how annoying and uninteresting I sometimes seem online. I'm trying to make friends with a really fucking cool Tumblr person and I just feel like I'm annoying her. I have so much charisma in person that doesn't translate well to writing, and trying to message someone I don't know just reveals how actually shitty my personality is and that I'm really not that interesting if I don't have my sarcasm. Which sucks, because I JUST WANNA BE BEST FRIENDS WITH THIS PERSON OMFG.
On the same topic, remember that one time I made a YouTube video and found out what my voice sounds like? I'm so sympathetic now towards everyone who has to put up with me.
And on a bit of a tangent, I'm beginning to realize that people take my ego seriously. They think I actually think that I'm awesome? HAHAHA NO. I am the shittiest person ever and I know it and have come to accept it, along with the whole "I'm not actually attractive in the least but I can totally pretend that I think I am" thing.

The guy I like is currently going out with someone, and they don't ever talk to anyone else. So not only am I upset over the fact that I'm not dating him, obviously, but I also seem to have lost a very close friend because he just won't talk to anyone other than her.

I found out that Oxford University has a 20.5% acceptance rate, and that's my dream college, so can I have a resounding "fuck yes" por favor.

I've lost like 20 pounds in the last 2 months and it doesn't look like I lost that much weight. I'm not even necessarily doing it intentionally. I do look a little better though :3 my ultimate intention is to look exactly like Scarlett Johansson. I mean that's gonna be hard because I look nothing like Scarlett Johansson. But.... whatevs.